im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
