You just made me feel so damn special
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
