i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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