My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You can't motorboat a personality
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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