anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
