I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
