Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
