So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
