do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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