Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
