my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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