the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
