Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
