Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
