True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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