I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
whose parrot is this?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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