Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
