I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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