one two three fourrrrnication!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
