I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
