Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
