How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Four minutes until I can fart!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I intend to get homeless drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Randomize
