woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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