It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
