where am i from again
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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