I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
