the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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