what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
