The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
