Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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