i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Farmville is her only friend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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