Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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