I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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