On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
