i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
