Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
