We named our party play list daddy issues
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
