i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
