im drinking this country out of the recession.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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