I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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