I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
