I only kidnapped one of them. chill
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
