My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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