Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
