Yo dont text me then not text me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
