I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
