I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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