someone threw a dead crab at me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
there is puke in my bra ... again
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