you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
