Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
