if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
